"How do you say, 'Hail Caesar?’

in Hebrew?" the elderly spinster asked.

"I wish I had your problems,"

Her sister-in-law said.

It was a relief she didn't know

Or I should have had to add it to the list

Of all but useless things I've learnt, Like

"There is a swallow in the pencil box

of my aunt" (French),

"I want to but a telephone, however, where if

I should go,

I could buy?" (Japanese),

"With flags and drums they marched past my window" (guess!)

But "I shall not eat my house"?

I needed all this resourcefulness

When my doctor said,

"If I were you, I would have had an operation by now."

"If I were you," I thought, "I should have had a lobotomy by now."

And while he drivelled on, I mused:

"As I was going to St Mark's

I met a man who traded sharks

Teeth for eagles' quills

That he used to make the medicinal pills

He sold to the dills at St Mark's."

But not to me.

And I don't care what it says,

I will not have a heart attack,

My cholesterol is not 7.4 -

I run over hot coals,

I regularly swim to work, I said, as I left,

And I will not eat sardines

With Omega 3.

Omega 3 is a space station

And I will not eat my house.